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a snails wake by ~insenze:iconinsenze:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Nature > Open


puddles of consciousness
plip plop the raindrops of attention against the lake
of tension unfold like a gray whale dark and moist
rising from the depths unfathomed
rough calluses of barnacles against clear surface
scrape like some old tough fingernails roughing the skin
of a lover reacquainted each morning when the night takes her leave

sit in the shadows and weave this magic with us
the time is still here and stories
come in the wind with the smoke & the smell of sea kelp & salt
sand licked smooth and from this vantage point
like snail's wake left glossy and damp
glistening with the waking sun
parting the misty vail as the dance begins

-MZ (03)
©2003-2009 ~insenze
:iconinsenze:

Author's Comments

Squatting underneath a pine tree on a rock outcropping by the water. All the ingredients are there, just allow them to absorb ...
__________
Revision: took ~altruisticlies advice and added a line break. Will likely go over it again to fill in punctuation or alter line form.

Comments


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:iconlivingbyair:
=livingbyair Mar 23, 2003, 7:22:20 PM
smoooooooth - i like the feel of this

relaxes me
:iconthedeadpoetic:
~thedeadpoetic Mar 23, 2003, 11:02:04 PM
I love it.
All the words seem to fit toghether very nicely..
Alot of attention to detail, and sends a very good image to my head..

Overall i think this is some very good stuff, thats being underlooked, as most poets are..

Keep on Keepin On

*Love the avatar*

--
Feelings...
The only thing that we can believe in,
everything else is just a lie..
:iconvespera:
*vespera Mar 25, 2003, 1:53:44 PM
Great attention to detail in this one. Great imagry, especially with

"like snail's wake left glossy and damp
glistening with the waking sun"

My first reaction to snail tracks is *ewwwwww* but, this is most certainly a beautiful take on it!

--
Your musky lips, cramping smoke into halos,
love to finger obscenities and slander. I am a bitch now.
Don’t touch her now, this thing of waste. She’s
Empty. She’s full of spite.
:iconaltruisticlies:
~altruisticlies Mar 26, 2003, 9:40:08 PM
What I find most interesting about this piece is its stream of conciousness technique in that the images keep flowing without a break and you make liberal use of enjambment. Everything flows and I find I have no real criticism here...

I enjoyed it a lot. Extremely interesting.

On second thought I might add a space right before the line beginning 'sit in the shadows' it seems a natural break in the poem and a subtle shift.

Hm, anyway very good.

--
Fredo, you're nothing to me now. You're not a brother, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want you near my house. When you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand?
:iconrebelchic:
`rebelchic Apr 19, 2003, 6:13:32 PM
Since I'm a big time punctuation fiend that's all I would say it needs. But then the flow is quite good without it.

But I like my punctuation damnit.

Allow me to welcome you to my devwatch, where you will be ignored and stuff cause I'm too lazy to comment.

:) (Smile)

No not really.

--
:shakefist:
:iconsnarling-snail:
~snarling-snail Jun 2, 2003, 1:46:01 PM
there's a powerful undertone of stewing creative potentiality in this. your expression of its discernable signs in the conscious surface of the first stanza and the manner in which you tie them into the deep mystique of the second takes on a flow similar to that of Goethe's Faust . choosing words with such delicateness requires great intuition.

--
[hat trick]
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